Thursday, April 21, 2011

I Hate My @#$%@#%% Life!

I haven't been here for almost a year now. Still being a recluse from depression. I did stop smoking pot cuz I kept getting manic on it, but I still think about going back on it cuz I feel so god awful depressed and sad all the time. I just sit and stare blankly at the wall. Can't do much of anything. I don't bother cleaning very much. Just lie on my couch and petrify.

I was chatting a lot with my italian online boyfriend Nico a lot. He was my bright spot in my dismal life. He said he was gonna try and visit me this coming June. Well, now I find out he is engaged.....yeah that's right, he was chatting me up while dating some bitch over there. Once again I lose in love. I fucking hate my life. I cried all weekend long. I told him if he loved her, then he should be faithful to her, instead of chatting up other women. I spent 2 fucking years of my life online with him.......2 years!!!!!!!!!!
I have come to despise men. They are all a bunch of liars as far as I am concerned....

i listen to this song when i am down in out in the city of angels

I have been feeling sick a lot too...tired as hell all the time. Too paranoid to go out and do much. I get anxiety being out in crowds. I have tried going to this new church down the street from me. I have gone the past 2 weekends. Easter is this next Sunday. You know no matter where I go, I feel like an alien that doesn't belong to the human race. Even in church. Depression has ruined my life. It never goes away. I have lost all interest in men. Only Nico I cared for. He is so sweet and funny. I am not fit to be anyone's girlfriend anyway. I feel shitty all the time and moody. I am going through menopause. I am gonna be 52 in August, and I am still alone in my life. I lie down 99% of the time. I feel achy and bitchy and tired. I hate the way I look and feel hopeless. I am a big loser. Fucking loser, Sandi !!!!!!!!!! I cry so hard it is like I have two waterfalls streaming down my cheeks. I think obsessively of ways to kill myself. I am a damned drag, even to myself. I have nothing to offer this world. I mean nothing. I am nothing. I just take up space. I am gonna try and get to the Easter service this weekend. Only Jesus can make me feel better. Meds don't help, that is for sure.......


  1. A year...but I am still here. I am happy to know you are alive, but I am sad to know that you are depressed and suicidal (gurl, I've been there)...

    My grandmother once told me that Italian men are GOOD Lovers, but BETTER LIARS.
    Screw him, and screw all men who cheat. Bastards.

    Don't get down on your age. 52 is an amazing age. You have a lot of wisdom and creativity.

    I was in the psych hospital a couple times since I last talked to you. Meds don't work for me either. They make things worse. My doctors would freak if they found out that I don't take them.

    I wish I had the answer you (and I) are looking for. Maybe the answer is Love.

    I was watching Oprah today, and she had her best friend Gayle on. The whole episode was devoted to people and their best friend.
    To my dismay, I started crying so hard. You see... I have never had a friend. Not a true friend. Everyone I have ever know has either betrayed me, or hurt me in some matter.

    I would give anything to have a true brest friend. A boyfriend who loves me for me. But we live in HELL. This world is HELL.
    People only care about
    1. Money
    2. Sex
    3. Fame

    I pray to God that he helps me and you. Because, we are good people who deserve happiness.

    Love you girl.

  2. OH hon, I am so glad to hear from u! We gotta stick together! I am sorry to hear u had to hospitalized. I was hospitalized back a few years back in Cedar Sinai Hospital psych ward. Did not help me one bit. In fact, I got worse. I totally freak out when they take my freedom away, even for a little while. I was there 4 days, and every time the doctor came on his rounds, I begged him to let me out. They did have good food there though!

    Another time I was taken by a couple of therapists from my mental health clinic to this holding psych war in another hospital. I started yelling and carrying on and crying as soon as they took my purse and keys and phone away. They let me go after a few hours after I settled down.

    And yeah I have heard stories about Italian men too. About how they have at least 2 women going at one time. Hell, their prime minister Bergulosi or however u spell it is in trouble now for hiring a 17 year old hooker for his parties and then using his power to get her out of jail when she got arrested for shop lifting or whatever it was.

    I liked Nico a lot though. He was funny and kind and sweet. I don't like most men. I run in the other direction when they came at me. I haven't dated anyone in 2 yrs. A few times I went out to meet on a coffee date with guys I met on, but I was never attracted to any of them one bit. If anything, I felt revolted by them. My skin would crawl when they would put their hand on me. Ugh! Honey, u can have men!!!!!!