Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Head Banging

I have been having suicidal thoughts all day. More like impulses. Cutting myself or taking my pills. I just lay on my couch and cry and moan and thrash around in pain. Hit myself in the head with my tv remote hard. It hurt a lot and now I have a big lump on my head. I just don't know what I am going to do with myself anymore. I don't care about anyone. Why can't I find happiness too? Why do I have to be so alone????

I imagine Nico and his gf laughing and traveling and being in love..getting a home together...all the things I dreamed of about me and him doing. It hurts so much. It is not fair! I wanted to be with him so much.....I lived to talk to him. He was the only thing I cared about. Now he is gone to someone else's arms. I can't stand this .....I can't stop crying.......he said he loved me..cuz we are so far he just forgets me and finds someone else after I have known him 2 years......he broke my heart in two.

I look in the mirror as I blow my nose from weeping, and I realize I am getting so old looking. No one will want me. He would not want me. He can do better. She is probably a lot younger than me. He said he was looking to start another family and I am almost 52....I just want to be happy in love and it never works for me. I must be cursed. I must have been cursed and now I am gonna be sad forever. I will kill myself before I grow old alone. I don't wanna live like that. Always struggling to take care of myself or in relationships that mean nothing to me. With men I don't love. I am sick of never finding happiness........I hate the world I hate everyone. It is not fair I have to suffer so much.

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