I Hate My @#$%@#%% Life!

I haven't been here for almost a year now. Still being a recluse from depression. I did stop smoking pot cuz I kept getting manic on it, but I still think about going back on it cuz I feel so god awful depressed and sad all the time. I just sit and stare blankly at the wall. Can't do much of anything. I don't bother cleaning very much. Just lie on my couch and petrify.

I was chatting a lot with my italian online boyfriend Nico a lot. He was my bright spot in my dismal life. He said he was gonna try and visit me this coming June. Well, now I find out he is engaged.....yeah that's right, he was chatting me up while dating some bitch over there. Once again I lose in love. I fucking hate my life. I cried all weekend long. I told him if he loved her, then he should be faithful to her, instead of chatting up other women. I spent 2 fucking years of my life online with him.......2 years!!!!!!!!!!
I have come to despise men. They are all a bunch of liars as far as I am concerned....

i listen to this song when i am down in out in the city of angels

I have been feeling sick a lot too...tired as hell all the time. Too paranoid to go out and do much. I get anxiety being out in crowds. I have tried going to this new church down the street from me. I have gone the past 2 weekends. Easter is this next Sunday. You know no matter where I go, I feel like an alien that doesn't belong to the human race. Even in church. Depression has ruined my life. It never goes away. I have lost all interest in men. Only Nico I cared for. He is so sweet and funny. I am not fit to be anyone's girlfriend anyway. I feel shitty all the time and moody. I am going through menopause. I am gonna be 52 in August, and I am still alone in my life. I lie down 99% of the time. I feel achy and bitchy and tired. I hate the way I look and feel hopeless. I am a big loser. Fucking loser, Sandi !!!!!!!!!! I cry so hard it is like I have two waterfalls streaming down my cheeks. I think obsessively of ways to kill myself. I am a damned drag, even to myself. I have nothing to offer this world. I mean nothing. I am nothing. I just take up space. I am gonna try and get to the Easter service this weekend. Only Jesus can make me feel better. Meds don't help, that is for sure.......