Monday, December 19, 2011

I am here God, where are YOU??????

I just wanna state how much I hate humanity. I know, there are good people out there. I know, I am in a mood, but I just wanna put down my thoughts. Just to let someone know how much I am tortured by them.
But yeah, I hate humanity. I am depressed and sad and lonely. I can't stand thinking about how happy other people are, and how they get through their lives with a song on their lips. For the most part, anyway. There must be happy people out there somewhere.....I have never known happiness my whole life. Kinda absurd to keep hoping and praying for it. Just give up, Sandi and let it kill you. Life is brutal and then u die.

I just wanna state how much I hate my so - called friends too. They say they care, and then act cold to me. Go to hell,  all of u!!!!! These are my internet friends. I have never actually met them, but since I am online all the time, these voices from somewhere out there on the web chat with me. I know they are real people in other countries, but when i am just chatting by  typing each other, it is to me  like the computer is talking to me...hard to describe. I have a vivid imagination, and I have strange dreams and thoughts anyway, so it is not hard to imagine these voices are just figments of my imagination.

 See, I slip into delusions sometimes. Though when I am in them, I am aware of it. I watch myself and study what I am saying. I wonder if Freud ever watched himself silently like that? There are so many levels to conciousnesses and dimensions. I can't spell anymore, apparently, so I wish I had a spell check on this blog. Writing on my blog helps get some of this negative energy out of my head.  I stay online too much and look a wizened old biddy, bent over painfully at my desk, typing away....hahahha

I subscribed to Carrie Fisher's Facebook page, and make comments on her time line, wondering if she will actually read what  I have to say. I predict she will find me one day, cuz I am interesting and she needs to chat about her disease like I do. Or needs a non judgemental friend to emphathize about being bi polar. Am I being delusional thinking this? Will talking about God get me anywhere with this?

See, I know I have bipolar and deslusions, but I am sane and observant of my condition. I want to help others with mental illness. There is a stigma to admitting being mentally ill, and I have lost friends before when I say I suffer depression and talk about what I go through. So, I stay to myself and try not to stand out in a crowd. I am paranoid and ultra aware of myself and how foolish I look. I don't want people to look at me and judge me. I am ashamed of my illness. I am embarassed by it. No one seems to care that I have told, anyway. They think there must be something wrong with me and my character instead of trying to understand me. So I am a recluse and sad and crying and alone.......merry fucking whatever.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    i hate everyone on this planet. i hate u ...doesn't matter. there are so much evil and putrid deeds out there, i think everyone else hates humanity is a fucking bore!!!!

The clincal nerdy part of me with the horn rimmed glasses and clipboard studies my out bursts and crying fits and checks off....makes a note, says hmmmm, and silently agrees. life really is a bore. nerdly sandi turns on her heel, white coat flapping behind click click....down the asylum hallway....nerdly sandi wears sensible but sexy heels.... :)

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