Yet another year alone. No home, no family, no husband....can't say no home. I have a nice one bedroom apt with cheap rent....just meant house...family....me and mine....me as mom...loving husband....is that just a dream to me?????? I am cat mom now. Eccentric aunt who never married or had kids...scares the hell out of me....seeing the years yawning towards me like a never ending hallway in horror movies....me myself and i alone traveling it...sick in my head at the thought. Mental disease....sick oh sick oh sick....i maintain though. I try and keep my thoughts to myself. Just let it out here on my blog.
Last year on my profile on Tagged, I asked friends not to send me Christmas comments, because it hurt too much. Reminded me of what I didn't have. Same ole same ole now.....Same as always, it seems. Never ending pain.....Still thinking the same thing now as then. Hoping for a life beyond what I have now. Being loved. Getting stronger.....feeling better and know happiness....Still yearning for it like every other year. Knowing now that I will never have a child. My body is changing and I go through crazy hormones from hell.....I have let my biological clock run out....
Now the person I really cared about has a live in girlfriend. He made sure to tell me twice that she is 33....yeah I fucking heard u the first time! So what!? I know u miss me anyway. U and I have things in common. We are both creative and sensitive. Both artists. U can't deny ur soul mates!!!!
I have been very low....I just stay high to numb myself to it....drink wine and get messed up....eccentric aunt with cats.....I try and focus on Jesus and that to stay positive. It is Christmas, and I have forced myself to go to family parties with my friend L. It's her family. Not mine. I haven't seen mine in years. I am afraid my mama is gonna pass on without me ever seeing her again...
I try to think of Jesus and have been looking up Christmas songs to put on my Facebook page. Watching them and feeling how much I love God and how this year is ending and I am hoping for a better one in 2012. Then, I get scared cuz everyone says the world is ending on Dec 21, 2012.....Champagne Supernova in the SKY>>>>>>>>>>>>
I try to leave hints for everyone to get my messages that I pass on from the Universe. I try and think of good things at Christmas.....it is so sad...all the bad things in this world that happens.....terrible things...every year, Christmas is a HOPE FOR US ALL.....a renewal...a new beginning.....
I go and cut up potatoes and onions to cook, and think of stabbing myself in the neck and ending it all. I stare at the blade flashing in my hands.....water pouring over it, as I wash the knife to put away.....I have bad thoughts so much.....they are like torture to me......and nightmares when I sleep.....I never feel peace.......I want to be happy like everyone else......
God looks after me when I am sick and when I am high.....I smoke to feel better, and feel seperated from my bodily pain enough to just be taken along for the ride..... in other words, my body moves, and I, being trapped inside here in this body, has to follow along.......I move around and cook and clean with I am smoking cannibis......so God takes over when I am high...he looks after me....if I don't smoke, I just rot on my couch.....rot rot rot....I want to make a difference in this world......it is getting too late for me.....I am aging and see it everyday now.....i need help now, Lord! Send my helpers to me and get me out of this place....I am ready to move on.......
NOEL NOEL>>>>>>>>>>> Christ is born~~~~~~~~~
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