I'm still single....Pondering if this year will be my last here on Earth. I think this way every year. To be or not to be, that is the question.....I get so low around Xmas and New Years. Another year older and still alone. I actually went out on a date the other night, and was wondering what the hell i was doing there. I feel like I don't belong of this world at all. I turn down men all the time, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Like I want to be miserable or something. I just don't feel I got it in me to live a normal life. I don't want to date someone and get attached to him. I don't feel I have anything to offer a man. I'm not pretty enough, sexy enough, interesting enough, responsible enough, etc.. so I shoot them down before I even give them a chance. Convinced I am nothing. I lie on my couch and listen to my music and chat with online friends sometimes. They are a safe distance away... over in Italy or Spain or wherever. Local guys I tell I am not interested and that I don't date.
Medication and therapy doesn't help me at all. I go to church sometimes and that helps a little. I really don't want to live another year, to be honest. I called UCLA the other and said I was too depressed to come in. Too depressed to move. I finally went in this past Monday to do some more Psych testing, and Chelsea asked me to come into her office. She asked me if I were safe and that she was concerned about me. Oh don't worry, I say, I go through this every year. I won't do anything to myself. Yeah, that's because I'm a big wuss and a coward. I ask God to put me out of my misery, but I am still here. If everyone has something to offer the world, I would dearly love to know what I have to offer.