Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy New Decade~2010

I'm still single....Pondering if this year will be my last here on Earth. I think this way every year. To be or not to be, that is the question.....I get so low around Xmas and New Years. Another year older and still alone. I actually went out on a date the other night, and was wondering what the hell i was doing there. I feel like I don't belong of this world at all. I turn down men all the time, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Like I want to be miserable or something. I just don't feel I got it in me to live a normal life. I don't want to date someone and get attached to him. I don't feel I have anything to offer a man. I'm not pretty enough, sexy enough, interesting enough, responsible enough, etc.. so I shoot them down before I even give them a chance. Convinced I am nothing. I lie on my couch and listen to my music and chat with online friends sometimes. They are a safe distance away... over in Italy or Spain or wherever. Local guys I tell I am not interested and that I don't date.

Medication and therapy doesn't help me at all. I go to church sometimes and that helps a little. I really don't want to live another year, to be honest. I called UCLA the other and said I was too depressed to come in. Too depressed to move. I finally went in this past Monday to do some more Psych testing, and Chelsea asked me to come into her office. She asked me if I were safe and that she was concerned about me. Oh don't worry, I say, I go through this every year. I won't do anything to myself. Yeah, that's because I'm a big wuss and a coward. I ask God to put me out of my misery, but I am still here. If everyone has something to offer the world, I would dearly love to know what I have to offer.


  1. Men are dogs; especially here in Southern California. But the fact that you are getting dates means that you are sexy, and have a great personality. I was watching a movie earlier today called 'Playing Mona Lisa' it's an indie film, and in one particular scene - - the mother (played by Marlo Thomas) is talking to her daughter. She tells her daughter that men are like meatballs. Do meatballs make the spaghetti taste better: YES... do you need the meatballs? NO!
    I just thought that rang true.

    I made some guacamole earlier 2nite. I just love guac. yum!

    I'm alone 2nite. In fact, I've never had a New Years Eve where I went out. I've always spent it alone - even as a kid.
    My mom worked the night shift, and my dad wasn't in the picture.

    I can't watch the new years eve parties on tv. it depressed me too much. I'd much father watch movies that make me feel good.

    I'm going to start painting soon. That's my new years resolution.
    I also want to write a blog as good as yours.

    You are really such a great writer.

    I wish you wrote a book. I'd read it in one day! I bet it would be an awesome book.
    Maybe an auto-biography or some work of fiction. You could write anything!


    Just wanted to say HAPPY NEW YEARS!

    I hope your 2010 is better than 2009... and I really hope you stick around :)

  2. hahahah so true about the meat ball remark. unfortunately, i like hot guys, but i am too shy to do anything about it. i am very vunerable person and have zero self esteem, and i feel useless around them. don't know how to act. and i also don't trust them at all. i've been used a lot and pretty much hate men, though i want to find a good one i am actually attracted to. most make my skin crawl. i am done taking seconds, i know that. i will stay alone before i settle again. by the way, i think i chased off that guy i went on a date with the other night. i do that......i think they see how strange i am.

    u are sweet to say such nice things about my writing. if u have read my whole blog going all the way back, u saw that i wrote an essay about being bipolar. i have had people tell me i am a good writer, but i cant' be motivated to get my ass off the couch to do anything artistic. i also draw and use water colors. my art supplies rot in my closet.