Or that is what I told my friends today, walking to church. We are the modern day women disciples that looked after Jesus. Come on Jesus, we'll feed ya! Come on Babe." That is what I really said. I almost had to crawl there cuz I have been self medicating for over a month now, every day.
Anyway, I am having some kind of esoteric dilemma these days. To Be Or Not To Be...every day.....Jesus, are u real? Jesus, do u exist? I would say to u that I am ready for u to come for me. I can't take this pain anymore. I tell my friends that I feel like I am dying.....or I say I am gonna commit suicide. I am listening to the movie, St Paul of Tarsus on TBN Christian Channel....I am very interested in how the society lived back in Jesus' time. For these disciples to happily go to their gruesome deaths because they BELIEVED JESUS IS GOD IN THE FLESH. That He came down to our level to talk about LOVE, BEAUTY, FORGIVENESS, FAITH, AND LIFE AFTER DEATH. ANOTHER REALM. ANOTHER REALITY. I do believe their is another realm. I am frightened I will miss it....Heaven, Nirvana, Elysian Fields, Never Never Land.....Alice down the rabbit hole.......
Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. Not just when someone is hurtful to u, but in ur life as well....He says not to worry.....that it will not add one more minute to ur life. Be at Peace and know God Loves His Creations....I bet Atheists wouldn't die for their believes!!! I have noticed that atheists are not as kind or happy as Christians...they have more of a sarcastic view of the world. That is what I observed from things I have read by atheists.
Some times I can't get to church cuz of my depression. But the last 2 times I went, I feel like I have been getting messages. Hearing things I need to hear to keep me going. Cuz I really am feeling suicidal. I am not growing old, alone and poor. No thank you! Check, please!!!!!!
So do I become part of the church and pursue Jesus and try and get well, or do I let myself die from bipolar depression???? Do an Amy Winehouse? I just feel I can die anyway. Age is creeping up on me. My depression has worn my body down....
Any way.....I find ancient history very stimulating. So I enjoy hearing stories of Jesus and his disciples, and the society he had to endure just because HE SAID HE IS GOD. And how he appeared to 500 people after his death. How his words have endured all these centuries......how Saul became Paul....he was so sure that Jesus spoke to him on the road to Damascus, he became a believer and traveled miles and miles to preach Jesus' words. And endured all the pains and tortures he had inflicted previously on Christians.....Pretty Awesome, Jesus!
Last week's sermon at my church, Core Church LA.....Jesus said not to worry....
This week's sermon.....I forget at the moment, cuz I get short term memory loss when I self medicate...oh yeah, the pastor said that Jesus loves all of us...even nobodies like me. That he wants us to share his word when I can....I try to be friendly to people in this city, but I am a recluse and all these crowds of people stress me out. They aren't very friendly, either. It is time for me to move on Lord....leave LA....
I told my friend L. this morning as I was getting ready for church that I feel like I am gonna kill myself. When my friend was out of town, she must have called the social worker here, cuz he came banging on my door to see if I was alright. I am getting too ill. I need to get some help with my mission.
So I wait to see if I am really special by not standing out at my church. That I hide in the back and wait for the higher ups to notice me. And wait for bipolar Steve to heal me from bipolar or sickness or insanity or delusions.......or make me Mary Magdalene......
I need to pass my torch.. We are evolving or we die. We have a choice.
If u have not noticed, all these bad people are being embarassed and brought down in the news. It is time to begin a new enlightenment with God....we are having droughts and awful heat waves that last for weeks.....hurricanes, volcanoes, tsunamis, HELLO!!!!!! Anyone listening?????? Obey God and Love Him, or let yourselves die out by your own hand. Mankind......womenkind....animal life, plant life, aquatic life....avian life ........I cry so hard to think of all of the innocent animals dying. All the children who knew no better. How Mankind is cruel and inherently evil.....why I don't know. Why we are so bad, I don't know. In our genes. Chimpanzees kill each other.....if we have their genes, it comes out .......our we from Adam and Eve......or monkeys? I debate all these thoughts in my head.
I am a big Sci Fi fan from my teen years, and I view 2001, A Space Odyssey, by Arthur C. Clarke, sounds plausible to me....I watch shows on the History Channel, about Ancient Aliens, and how the stones at Puma Pooko in Peru? I think, had to had to have been chiseled with tools with diamond tips...not by hand, like we silly modern people believe the ancient people did. Or we have lost all the knowledge through the AGES because our evil destroys us before we can evolve?
So, are we inventions of an Alien culture?Are we science experiments like on X Files? Were we genetically altered by God~like aliens akin to the book 2001? And have u noticed that a lot of what early science fiction writers wrote about has been coming true? We are rushing to extinction. This world is loaded with hate and evil. I am so sensitive to it. I feel it in my bones.....I don't understand why we are evil, but we have to over come that and live love and not hate....help poor starving orphans in Africa....the people in Somalia are dying......droughts.... we are killing our home. Earth. Terra. Mother Nature. Gaia........She is our home. We evolved here. She is our mother. Why do we behave like heathens and hate one another and do awful things? Wouldn't u be upset to see ur children killing each other and making u sick as well? Mother Nature is fighting back, and we as humans are near self murder.....And our we all gonna die on December 21st, 2012? All I know is what I do remember something that Jesus said today....
hell, I forgot again... short term memory loss. Anyway, I watch the christian channel and go to church to try and help me over this suicide watch of mine. It seems to help me. I need to believe God loves me. I need to know that.......I feel so alone. I need God. I need You God!!!
Our Father, Who Art In Heaven
Hallowed {HOLY} is Your Name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Until we meet You Lord, in the Next Life,
Thy Will Be Done
Love one another, look after each other and protect the Earth and the Environment and Animal Life. Protect Nature as a Living Being........We are all one and from this Earth. We are kin because God made us all.....we were divinely made I think, but I have scientific questions. I am modern day Christian, I suppose. I question God and why I am here on this planet. Why do the preachers say we are all God's children and He has a plan for each and every one of us? I get so lost in the crowd when I step out into the city........City of Angels, but was rated they rudest city in america last year? I am totally invisible in this town. I am a no body and believe I have no one.....If I am God's child, wouldn't He want me to be happy in a loving relationship? Wouldn't God want me to do good things with my life? I would want to have a normal life if I was in a healthy, loving relationship. I would stabilize and I could complete God's mission. I need someone to look after me so I can dance onstage with Jesus....xx
This movie St Paul of Tarsus is very good. I enjoy ancient history and the birth of Christianity. Those disciples lived and died for Jesus. They believed with all their hearts that HE IS REAL. I feel sick in the head, Lord! I am not aging well here! I need my disciples too! I call John from Holland and his sister Monique. Now, am I delusional, or do things really happen to prove God's love for us?
All I can do is test it with myself. Can we penetrate the veil of another dimension if we evolve? We need to open our higher brains. Jesus was a HIGHER BEING. He was intelligent and kind. He knew the laws of Moses and was God's Child, A Jew. So we have this Judeo~Christian Religion type thing gonna come down soon, according to the preacher's on all the Christian Channels. The Evangelical Christians are trying to be buddies with the Israeli Jews these days, trying to move forth the prophecy of The Jews coming home to Jeruselem...God's Country. How they wanna finance the Jews coming home and re-building Solomon's Temple. Fulfillment of prophecy.
They want to bring Jesus to rapture them. I am not sure of the Rapture. That was something that came from some one's idea.....why can't Jesus just let us know He is REAL, AND HELP US GET OUR ACTS TOGETHER????? Why do we have to live by faith?? It is too hard! I feel so alone and lonely.
Why can't Our Father help us to be good? Why we have to govern our own selves? Why do we have to question it all? Is it The Big Bang? Is It Divine Father, and Terra Mother? Are all the Universes empty except for this planet?
I truly don't believe that, but some Christians are narrow minded. They don't believe in other societies except humanity. And why does it have to be always weird type aliens that visit us? I believe there are other dimensions that can be traveled through. I have a sci fi brain like Arthur C Clarke. He was brilliant. He invented the Communications Satellite. He was very interesting.....And Ray Bradbury shares my birthday....that would be cool to meet him on that day.....
I saw this show on TBN with the Prime Minister of Israel saying that he believes Iraq is gonna attack Israel once they get nukes. Once the bomb is dropped, it is all over, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hello!! We are moving towards an Apex.....I feel it building up inside me. I feel so sensitive and suicidal....
I am a gentle person who needs love.....I want to be well, honestly. I want God to help me get well so I can follow St Paul. I want God to be REAL. I NEED to know God is real! I have to feel love from the center of the world. Ancient times said Rome was the Center of the World. So Paul goes to Rome. Was that God's Will? All roads are said to have led to Rome. I love my Nico. My beautiful Italian online boyfriend. He is special and sweet. But a Latin lover. They are the kind who plays with other women. I want a man I can trust. I have given up on men. I must go be Mary Magdalene. I am so sad.
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