Well I gotta say that I find out who my real friends are when I tell them I am suffering from bipolar and can't take the depression anymore........yeah that's right. They f~ing disappear on me. I am crying my eyes out, and no one cares. They just go away and don't wanna know me. Thanks World. NO Thank You, Los Angeles! Rudest City in America! No one cares in this town. I am totally invisible when I walk Venice Beach or go anywhere in this city. Only the fellow odd balls like me seek me out. The off kilter ones.........Fisher Kings.
If I felt better, I would write more about it, but I can only do short spurts of writing these days. Just gotta say World, I am gonna be leaving u soon. It is too real for me here. Too 3 dimensional. I need to fly and not feel fear anymore. I am tired of being scared and lonely. And nothing.
So, do I do what I have been thinking of doing all these months? Make my 4 social networks aware of my blog and I become bipolar angel of LA, or I get put away somewhere? hahahahaha I am so clever that I make myself laugh. My friends have told me I should be on stage cuz what I say is so funny.....see, I am aware of my mental illness. I am not stupid. Quite the opposite. I want to help people get well from mental illness. I want them to know they are special and don't give up hope. I fight those feelings every day of my miserable life.
When I am manic or unstable I feel creative and prophetic. I think all sorts of thoughts....
I have suicidal thoughts 24/7, I think. To Be Or Not To Be.......
I just told Nico that I can't stand this anymore. That I feel suicidal. I tell him I love him. He says that love is an important word. And that I am special to him. Oh whoopee. Big f~ing deal. Oh yeah, I forgot. He has a lover now and is engaged. Oh my bad...I back up. Ok Nico, on that note I leave u. I am done with u. He says he can't control the heart and what it wants. Skank whore Russian bitch is what u want Nico? I hope she hurts u so much!
No one can tell me they love me. They just go away.....maybe I am a leper when I say I am sick and need help. Maybe they don't care..........Maybe I die I don't care. I love God but hate life. How do I solve this dilemma???????