Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Miss Living.....

I haven't been well lately. I feel sick in the head. You know, I just view life differently..I am too emotional and negative. REALITY IS TOO HARSH FOR ME. I am just so sensitive to everything. Noise, bright lights, crowds of people, traffic.....can't deal anymore. LA has finally won over me. I have fought for a long time to survive here, but I can't stand it anymore.  I refuse to grow old alone here in  this city. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis. I hate life and humans and not knowing what I am doing anymore.
I do believe there is evil in this world, cuz I have met it through bad humans that were in my life.

So I am damaged and fearful and suspicious from that, and ill from being poor and worrying how I can keep supporting myself. And loving someone I can't have is extremely painful. Don't know if it is love anymore. More anger and hatred. Some fucking Russian bitch has my baby Nico. I hate him and her both and hope they die.

Other than that, I am a gentle person with animals, and I love flowers and beauty. Sometimes the flower withers in the desert heat. Only I thirst for beauty, peace and love.......I don't wanna be here anymore.

Positive affirmation~God loves me? Why am I always in pain and sorrow then? If I have a curse on me
God, please take it away from me!

If I hurt myself and die, is it me, Sandi doing it, or my mental illness? Do I go to hell for suicide, even though I feel sad and miserable and lonely every day?? Why  would anyone want to live if they are totally alone in this world and no one cares about them? Ã…nyone would think of suicide.

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