It is true. It is killing me slowly. I can't bear it anymore. I feel so ill all the time. Like I am on my way out of this life. Just walking a little ways makes me feel sick. I have to force myself out to do things. And I self medicate constantly. I wish I didn't have to do that. When I run out, I say to myself that I quit and I gotta get my shit together so I can get clean in case I find a job I want to apply for....But then I wake up feeling awful. Aching all over, feeling bleah.....so I self medicate again...
Last night, taking a shower, I realized I get things done...even in my depressed/manic/sometimes delusional state of mind. I reviewed what had transpired from the time I got up, and I had to feel like I had to have accomplished something, at least......yeah, yeah, I know, I am a loser..I don't have a job and I live on the state, etc.....I tell myself I gotta get a live all the time. The amount of fear I have thinking of it paralyzes me into in action. All I can do is baby steps these days. Which is too bad, cuz I was a good worker and honest and dependable.
My car is in the shop right now, getting a new engine, so I had to go to the grocery store to buy supplies by walking there. I pulled along my old lady buggy behind me to put my groceries in. Spent too much money there, so I know I got over draft charges, but I don't like walking back and forth to the store when I feel weak, so whatever...I didn't care at that moment. Any way, the point is, I made myself take a shower and put on a little make up and don one of my sun dresses to walk there. I have to force myself to do anything, I am so lethargic, and there has been many times I never wore make up or get decently dressed, or BATHE for that matter, cuz depression kills every good thought you have....you just exist from day to day, in pain, waiting to die....
So, as I was pushing the old lady buggy full of groceries home yesterday, I thought for the millionth time of how easy it is to end up in the street, homeless, pushing my belongings along in a shopping cart. Eating out of a garbage can. Pan handling for money. Doing drugs and drinking to escape........................................
.....I am crying huge tears thinking of it......so scared. I don't wanna die alone and old.....I pass this homeless guy that is always living/hiding in this little dent in this building...you can tell he's out there, out in space somewhere, by just looking at him. Filthy from head to toe....grime smeared all over his face, and him staring Heaven ward, in a moment with God. He is oblivious of me walking by. I am getting messages from God myself again. What do they say in the Bible? Be aware of everyone and how you treat them, because you may be in the company of angels....something like that. I have to look up the exact saying.
His face is so grimy with soot and greasy oil, that his blue eyes look piercing, staring up into Heaven. He is so dirty, he is one color, all over...even his clothes.....pure filth. I am a bit frightened of him, so try to not get his attention as I lean into my buggy and push harder to get past him. But you know what? A big crack in the sidewalk dipped my buggy, and some of my food fell out on the side walk.
So I think, "Does this mean I should stop and give him food because he is hungry?" Because I could. I could give him a bagel and a bottle of water and maybe a piece of fruit. I have it all there in my shopping buggy. I had stopped before on another day when I had passed him, and gave him a dollar....but I was too scared to get his attention this time, so I just kept walking on, letting him starve and be thirsty...I am evil and selfish sometimes.....I just feel so paranoid when I am out walking in this busy, huge city. I hear so much about women getting abducted and crime, etc...that I would rather have my car to take me places than me being scared of getting my purse snatched or some mental case attack me....it happens! If I had a big body guard escort me, I would like helping homeless people. But me doing it alone...I feel really vunerable. And I have been beaten up and put in the hospital before by an abusive ex, so I have never really gotten over it, even after over a decade.......
And as I got to this secluded bit of the street, and young guy came walking towards me. I tell myself not to be scared..and I say I will kick him in the head if he tries and robs me. And I keep walking right towards him, not stopping.....he is just normal, and passes by me to walk in the opposite direction. But I at least hit back at my fear. I didn't turn and run....sometimes living me vs the world is hard....don't know what to believe anymore. Don't trust my own judgement about anything...I don't want to be a bag lady pushing a shopping cart~~~~that, I KNOW...!!!!!!!!!!
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