Thursday, August 25, 2011

Some Improvement To Cerebral Cortex.......

That title is a joke. Sometimes I have strange little thoughts.. so I am gonna try and jot them down to show how a bipolar mind in manic phase works. Little a computer gone haywire...thoughts race back and forth forth and back. upppssie doosie.......whoooooooooo and then a profound thought on why was I created and  why  me, and why can't I feel better? I tell everyone I just want to be normal. I have been manic since Monday last, which was my bday.....I self medicate you see, and that is the only thing that seems to get me moving and out of the doldrums and pit of despair. With a couple of tokes, something clicks and my brain starts functioning and I am MELLOW. YELLOW MELLOW. THEY CALL ME MELLOW YELLOW......but smoke is therapeutic to me. I get active, I start cleaning, I pace back and forth a lot, but I do things while I am pacing. Cleaning. organizing, thinking creative thoughts that are stifled in my waking life.....In my dreams, I have very vivid dreams every night, and most of them are not pleasant....I wake up in a cold sweat, drenched all over in water risen from my pores. I could swim in my own bodily water, I feel so drenched. I have to take off my pajamas and change, cuz the sweat turns icy cold....Sometimes I sleep on towels to save my smoke makes me manic and I dance dance dance to rock music, writing down lyrics, and seeing life from another dimension. I told my doc all this today. I went to see him and was dresssed all trendy and purple all over. But nicely done. I have designer in me.. I am using color therapy and aroma therapy today on myself. I am an artist, and when I am manic, I am me again when I was younger. Flamboyent, colorful. Purple is my color. Royal Purple for the Lioness. August 22. In numerology, double numbers are more powerful. And purple attracts prosperity, so I was pretty purpled up today... Riding the bus, being colorful. Latins surrounding me on the public transit system. They are nice people. They are just trying to get by just like we all are. They come to this country for a better life. Can't blame them for that. LA is multi~cultural city. ..Anyway, later I will make other remarks.......but I can say that when I get animated and manic, it is like Lazuras returning from the dead. I am that depressed and out of it when I get ill....nothing reaches me. I hate the world and humanity and even God or maybe it is the God in me, that I don't know how to reach and I get frustrated being poor and sad, and angry and jealous and hateful and mean hearted.....I wanna try and reach God inside .....I tell him that  I need his help getting through the day and I am weak and I need some positive people in my life or I am going dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnn CIRCLING THE DRAIN....CIRCLING , CIRCLING.......gone. So  I prefer being animated....transplanting plants at 3 or 4 in the morning. Watching Sci Fi channel or History Channel...cuz they intrique me. And I dance and dance and clean and organize and think plots of movies and how I want Meg Ryan to play me therapist looks at me like I am nuts when I say I have something to say and need to put out a message for the mentally ill people of this world.......and poor.....and scared. And abused. And hopeless....And evil and Ambivalent.......There is a God, and He Loves You.....And be creative to reach the other level of understanding......Peace Out, World.....xx

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