Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Back for the holidays!

Hello my friends! I'm sorry I stay away for so long, but I like to avoid thinking about my disease as much as pos. I thought that when I began this blog oh so many months ago, I'd get many people to read it, and I could bring the light on the hard situations people like me have to go through when they have to deal with this unending hell called bipolar disorder.

I've tried to move on, and I've joined all of these social networks, and had fun creating my pages and making friends on them. It gives me something to do. I've been going out and looking for a job, and have pretty much failed at that. I have a 6 year gap on my resume, and I don't get hired. I do get call backs, and I do go in for interviews, but I feel like I have to compete with 20 year old girls.

I have no money to live on per se, as I'm on a fixed income from Social Security, and it only goes so far. I'm quite down about it. The concept of living on no money whatsoever after I've paid most of my bills makes me depressed each month. My money usually runs out by the 10th of each month, and the stress to come up with money to feed myself and my cats, buy gas for my car, and anything else I need, puts me over the edge more often than not. I've been needing to get my back tooth crowned for a year now, and it's on the verge of disintegrating. I've been saying for months that I have to get my radiator repaired on my car, because it has a leak in it, but I have no money to even think about it. I just have to keep putting water in it. During the summer, it ran hot all of the time, and I'd have to drive around in the blazing heat with my heater on, so my engine wouldn't explode. My ex boyfriend told me to turn my heater on when my car ran hot, and it brings the temperature down for some reason.

I sit here now, sad and alone, looking at spending the holidays by myself, with my cats as my only companions. I had a horrible birthday in August, and now here I am, dreading Christmas. The holidays bring me down in a big way every year. I contemplate suicide a lot. Wonder why I have to suffer like this. Think of myself as a loser. Someone that's not worth loving.

I joined because I'm sick of being alone, and it was fun at first, because I have a lot of hits on my site, but after a few dates, I feel bored by it all. I can't muster up the interest in meeting anyone. Or I inadvertently chase them off with my negativity. I harp on about my beauty flaws, or think that they just can't be interested in anything I have to say. I hate myself. I want to die. I've got to get through the holidays somehow without being sent to the psych ward. I wish I were dead.

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