or more what i am saying....to be an instrument. i grew up in a christian nation. i know there is a god. and god puts up with a lot from me. i had a big screaming hissy fit yesterday morning when i couldn't find my wallet....i was screaming into my mattress so no one could hear me....cursing god out....i feel so enraged at times....out of control anger...so irritable aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh LA drives me crazy too. crowds of people everyone i go....it used to not be so crowded. now it is getting out of control.
when i get into such a state of anxiety, i feel like i have fallen into a hole that is a million miles long.....clawing upward to get back to me....i am tired of crying over it. it is so hard to live a life alone. people tell me i am pretty, but i feel empty inside.....like it is a mask alone they see......so sad....i have no trust anymore. i am on guard always.
and then, i lost my glasses, and then my keys.....i feel like i am being played with in a wicked way.....i feel like obstacles are being deliberately thrown into my path......
of enlightenment.......it is killing me.....makes me spin and spin in my head, like a top..
you spin me right round baby, right round like a record, baby.....right round round round