Sunday, March 11, 2012

no more stigma to mental is slowly getting there

i have a really hard time sleeping through the night. i end up watching tv to all hours until i fall asleep on my couch. i can't stand being alone with my destructor thoughts..... so i fall asleep with the tv on to keep me company. yes, i know destructor is not a word. i make my own up sometimes. it is more like a word used for a big monster robot that kills....i must use good robots in my head to get the thoughts working correctly again.

it just so happens cuz of synchronicity, that two movies were on at once really late at night about living with mental illness. one was the movie Proof, with Gwyneth Paltrow and Anthony Hopkins, and the other was Of Two Minds, with Kristin Davis. she produced and starred in it. her sister suffered horribly from schizophrenia in it. i cried a lot watching those movies. tammy blanchard, who played her ill sister was really good. the scene where she completely loses it and goes off into a big delusion and has to be taken away by police had me crying alot. yeah, and that scene where she asks her sister if that was the sum total of her be ill and alone forever....

i lose control myself and scream and go nuts when i can't take it anymore. i bash myself in the head or stab myself. being in emotional pain is so hellish when u r not well. u question ur sanity or just plain go off the deep end and have to be taken away to be locked up in the looney bin.

 i hope she wins an emmy for her role. she was really good. very fragile. kudos!!!!!!!! hey tammy, kudos from the other side! u grok us!!!!!! and that part of the movie where she started getting well by being around animals is vital too. instead of killing off all the stray animals that evil humans just dump in the street to get rid of, why not train the animals for therapy? take them to mental hospitals and old age homes. honestly, it is sooooo obvious! in the movie, she gets to live at the end in a high end beautiful ranch with horses for people with mental illness. unfortunately, most people don't have that option. they have to go into board and care, or go homeless into the streets....

on the one hand, i see anthony hopkins being a brilliant mathematician, but he is so brilliant, he is insane, according to everyone in the movie. to me, he was just eccentric. i have seen much worse than the way he acted. to me, i am more like him. i am smart but lose touch with reality. i cannot conjure up mathematical theroms and publish them to astonish the world, but i do have some side to me that is dictated from the universe. i hear things and think things. i never properly educated myself because of my low self esteem and maybe laziness or shyness or whatever. i try and understand now why i didn't pursue higher knowledge when it is obvious i am clever. i am not ashamed to say it, and i am not boasting. me trying to over come my damaged ego has always been an obstacle to me. me feeling good enough about myself to go out into the world and shine. i am more like a hidden diamond in the rough. i am undiscovered.

i am confident that i will be heard one day. i just have to rely on God and know i am being looked after. my friends dump their stress on me, because they are poor too and living on disability like me. they can't make ends meet either, and because i am understanding, i hear it all. they hear mine too, i guess. but i try and stay to myself and deal with it myself. that is what i told my friend last night. i told her that she can't let what she is going through stress her out and make her more ill. i am trying to make her see that her suffering is coming from within, and to not let people get to is hard. she is more emotional than me. she cries and is a needy person , and i go off like a rocket with my temper. i am feisty gal.........

i have to get myself well and get some money coming in for myself. it is so hard to function feeling like this. lethargic then dance and pace all night...i don't eat i don't care i don't feel hungry....i guess that is mania part of bipolar

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