what is up with men, anyway? i just wanna know. it is like they are a whole different species. motivated by money and sex. that is obvious. why they do other head games, i don't know
i am an honest person. i try to be..i am compulsive, almost. my conscience bothers me if i see deceitful things. i have many deep emotions about the bad things happening in this world. i feel sorry for little animals and suffering children. i wish i wasn't so full of emotions. it disrupts my life.
the point i am trying to bring up this time, is why men that are in happy relationships, want to play with me. i don't encourage men. i am friendly person, but guarded and dis trustful. i have waded through men's shit before in hip boots.....hahahahahhaha good one sandi
so i like to take things slow with men, and don't encourage married men, ever. i have chatted up a few, but that is it. i was briefly involved with a married one a few years back, but i felt very torn about it, and according to him, they were breaking up and getting a divorce anyway. i let him go, because i couldn't take the drama. and i don't want a man that is willing to cheat on his wife to be with me. that means he will do it to me!
this married friend i have met online lives in italy. he is a nice person and sends me money sometimes to help me out. he wants me to come to italy and live in this little flat he has. he is married and lives in a beautiful village in a beautiful home at the foot of the alps. i like him ok. he is sweet. he calls me from italy and we chat. but he is married. i don't ask him for the money..he just western unions it, and then tells me he has sent it. it helps me out a lot. i am dirt poor.
he sent me a couple of hundred euros last month to help pay my phone bill, because it was turned off for 10 days. i am very depressed these days, because i am barely making it. i have to do a direct deposit advance every month, borrowing money from the next month's check. they charge money for it too..1.50 for every 20 dollars. i think that is it....so i have to borrow the whole amount, which is about 700 dollars or so. it is stressful, and i am scared all of the time. and tearful and screaming into my mattress.
so my friend sends me this used olympus digital camera the other day, because i told him i don't have one anymore. i used to borrow my friend's camera, but someone stole it. this camera is nice. i have to figure it out though first. i saw photos of him and his wife and son and family and friends, and they looked happy. so why does he want me as a mistress? i don't wanna be a mistress! though i think about it sometimes cuz i am desperately poor and can't stand it anymore.
it would be lovely not to have to worry about bills all the time, and how i am gonna buy myself and my cats food, and keep my car running....life sux and then u die, so i can't blame a woman for taking advantage of what a man offers, financially. i have a problem with ME doing it though.
my friend e, ever the pessimist, says things like, "they aren't gonna look at us in ten years, so we gotta do something!" and i forgot what else she said just a couple of days ago.....she is the most self absorbed person i have ever known. totally neurotic. talks about her aches and pains and troubles endlessly to whoever will listen...
oh yeah, she said, "when we are in our 80s and sitting in our wheel chairs in the nursing home, we are gonna wish we had taken these men up on their offers!"she is a lot of fun to have around. i can't stand that negative talk around me, and have told her several times to can it. if she wants to bring herself down, she can do it, but not around me. she tries to bring me down too!
and i have another friend that says negative things about me either right to my face, or so i can hear it, to total strangers...some friend.....called me a old woman once, when i had offered to pay for our lunch, and we were sitting on the patio of a nice mexican restaurant. and like 3 younger men walked by..maybe in their early 40s, and i said i thought they were cute or something like that. OLD WOMAN! my friend calls me right to my face! unbelievably jealous of me....that is the only reason i can think a woman would do that to her supposed friend......she hates the way she looks, because she has lots of smokers wrinkles, so she has to try and bring me down to her level and make me feel bad. i said the only old woman here is you!
she called me an idiot to this person helping me at an eye glasses store last week....oh she's been acting like an idiot all day..blah blah blah.....and i am right there, so of course i hear it..... and her vocabulary is so limited, either everyone is an idiot or is ignorant.
i told her the definition of ignorance the other day, so maybe she won't use it all of the time now. too bad she is ignorant of the meaning in the first place!
and i was getting looks from sales clerks every where we went that day, because she was talking too loud and acting like she had ADD....i want real friends please!!!!!! all my friends have mental illnessesss.....i can't take their shit and mine tooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
they really do all have mental illnessses. i either met them at the mental health clinic or here at my apt building, where everyone has mental issues...i am not better than my friends by any means, but i do think i would like to have some creative friends that would center me and not stress me out. and my ex bfs keep trying to come back to me......ahhhhhhhhh!!!!
back to my italian married friend
i am emotional now, because why can't i have a beautiful home and life too? why am i on the side lines always? fuck i am sick of it! i am almost 53, and have no one to help me or love me. i feel so alone. i wish i was never born. really truly. i have so many men trying to chat with me online, but what is the point of it? i can't be bothered with men anymore. they all lie and cheat. i haven't met one yet that hasn't bold faced lied right to me. and i am smart and empathic, so i know when i am being lied to. it insults my soul as well as my intelligence.