Friday, February 17, 2012

another friday night alone

i have myelf to blame for that,  i guess. i have turned down numerous men wanting to get to know me better. i regret sending some of them away, but i can't let myself dwell on coulda woulda shoulda any more. it is destructive to tear myself down for that. i have to love and respect myself first, and clearly i wasn't ready to get into another relationship. i have told them i need a porter for all of my baggage....hahhahaa......i am pretty funny. i do get awful lonely,  and i have wasted many hours chatting with men i will never meet. they are safely in other countries. i have huge trust issues to work through when it comes to dating again.  TRUST is extremely important to me these days. if i love myself,  then i have to be choosy about who i am with, and how they treat me. i am done with users and abusers and selfish pricks. treat me right the first time, or goodbye. i am tired of ignoring bad behavior. men do not change, i have noticed. 

so i made a nice italian dinner tonight. i always make too much pasta. i was experimenting with tomato cream sauce and egg plant. i wanna try and eat more vegetarian, because i am so sad to see how animals suffer in this world. i have seen so many disturbing things on facebook about all the abuse. it sickens me, and i feel terrible when i eat meat. it is hard not to cook with meat, because i was brought up eating it, just like everyone else, except maybe in india.

i am an ok cook. my friends like what i make. but i was too sad to eat anything after i cooked it. i gave some to my friend down stairs and then froze the rest. i have done this before when i cook. it is like i am cooking for my family that isn't there. i am in some kind of grieving process over my lost life. my could have been but never was....i just cried big sobbing tears when i realized that...

i have strange thoughts about my perceptions of reality. i exist on two planes of thought. i watch myself suffer outwardly, and try and sort it out inwardly with spiritual help. i guess the ego is what ultimately makes u function in the world, but according to some psychiatric theories, the ego is poisonous. i have problems relating my 3 D reality to my esoteric 4th dimensonal thinking....i look  at photos i take of myself, and do not recognize that person. odd but true. that is from years of living for beauty. 

i felt i needed to be beautiful to attract love to myself, when in reality, i attracted bad men to me. since i was naive of evil, i forgave and kept putting up with bad selfish behavior. so, being more now a creature of light with my physical being slowly dying and altering its visage, i look at myself in a light of detachment. but at the same time, i mourn the life i have missed out on. it is maybe compensation to the loss, but i am trying to understand and feel better. i am trying to make myself heal.

but it is strange how my magical thinking has become part of my life. my avoidance or reality brought it on...i told my psych doc how i hate the human race and how i spit on it. see, i have wars raging in my body over my thoughts and feelings. i say mean things because i can't function in this world. but conversely, i get offended when someone says to me that i am not a strong person. i have had men insinuate to me before that i was a weakling because i shared to them that i was bipolar. everything i ever got, i got for myself. no one ever helped me in life that much. i look after myself and rarely ask anyone for anything. 

so my magical thinking disappoints me sometimes. i feel like i have to pursue something ethereal when i get these cues and feelings from what i call "the universe".  sometimes i try and get some financial things going for myself, but i get turned down..harsh reality. applying for a job, applying for a credit card..things to help me in this real life that everyone leads. i think that maybe the universe will smile on me because i am special, but i get hit with an un caring world turning its back to me. hahah while at the same time laughing and slapping me in the face....take that, sandi! see, u don't mean anything!!!

so i have to daily fight with myself and my bad thoughts. insecurity and inferiority complex...that is what i heard this guy say on tv today. those are the roots of FEAR, and fear cripples and keeps people from living the lives they are capable of living.  by being more spiritually aware and objective, then i try and overcome the fear and sort out my life. yes, i do get lonely though, but i want only someone that is my yin to my yang....i want no other from now on. i don't want to keep wasting my time.. i want real love that lasts with my soul is time to merge and do good things and accomplish much!!!! xxxxxxx

i made it through the holidays and valentine's day~~i am strong.

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