mood escalator fridjitz....

i have decided, that yes, this is real, what is happening to me. for some reason, i am tuned in a maybe just a small way to the universe. maybe my brain has mis firing synapses or not enough serotonin or too much, or because i was attacked and put into the hospital with a concussion...i am not ashamed. i am but i am not. i am shy and don't want anyone to know how i feel, and it is private and full of my own meaning. my pain is subjective without merit to the world. a lot of my pain i brought on myself, so maybe i self compensate for my failures by imagining i am special in some sort of idealistic way. i know i have many flaws and sins to work out for my soul~~i have done things that pains me to think about. but if i focus all the time on what i have failed at, i will always be putting myself down and killing myself slowly....i feel like i am dying slowly. i really do. i feel sick a lot, and don't get out much. i try. i went to mardi gras service  at my church yesterday. i was feeling sick all day, but went anyway. to be a recluse and then go out and function in the world is exhausting. i am trying to dance every day here at home to strengthen myself for old age, or let bipolar kill me. i have been feeling for a long time now that it really is killing me slowly. all the bad thoughts and self hatred and denigration of me. i have problems getting my points across on this blog. i need that software that i can speak and it writes it down for me.....hell i forget. i have been not feeling well. maybe i will make this blog private. i will never get hired anywhere ever again if someone reads this about me. see that is what is shameful about having emotional or mental issues. everyone thinks u r incompetent and less than human. when it is a human condition and disease like diabetes. it is chemical and circumstancial...i have problems spelling now. i used to be an excellent speller....i feel like i am losing it, but i will try to write what i feel. maybe i will go private...don't want to hurt future earnings, if any.....

Positive Affirmation for today~~Every day, and in every way, I attract to myself, health, wealth, love and happiness. Peace and joy and laughter.