Thursday, February 16, 2012

ready to move on....

i have been going through a lot of mood changes in the past couple of weeks. had a couple of melt downs in public. i hide it, cuz i don't  want to be taken away to the hospital. but i get so irritable and impatient and feeling sick that i go ape shit crazy for a few minutes. i have found that i am talking to myself more in public now. i try to keep it to just comments to myself, and not a flat out conversation with myself. i am capable of that in private. i am fully cognizant of what i am going through. i have taken myself off all the medications i have been on for the past 20 yrs now, and have ended my association with the mental health clinic i have been going to forever. my therapist jane came by to today to get some information from me and to leave a list of mental health professionals here in west LA....

i had a conversation with the chinese herbalogist the other day, and was telling her how i much i suffer from depression, and how i am done with the pharmaceuticals. and i told her how i am no longer going to the clinic, and she guessed rightly the name of the place. i told her and my therapist today about how i have gone round and round with my psych doc, with him trying all these different meds on me with little results and bad side effects. i think i have to try herbs now and trying to exercise more and getting my head right with positive affirmations. i told my therapist that i am very fearful that i may lose my social security and housing if i am no longer seeing a doctor. she said she would check with her team to see about that before they make any definite closures on my case.

i have at least 5 thick files there at the clinic on me. so, i have been what they call compliant with the meds. i have tried the different therapy groups and have returned to the clinic many times. my therapist says they are being pressured from higher ups to move along the long term patients, or clients, which is the politically correct term now. and that they are mostly going to focus on short term counseling and help with new patients. i told her i am gonna try and get myself well somehow. i guess she had more in mind that i do peer counseling and teach an art class. i try and tell her and my doc that i don't like to be reminded that i am sick and have emotional problems, so i don't like hanging out at the clinic with people that are sub par to my intelligence and i have nothing in common with or even want to know them. i live in an apt building where everyone has mental issues, so going to seek out the company of others like that makes no sense to me.

i prefer taking a bus to venice and walking around to meet normal and off beat people that can see me for how special i am. and younger men always come up to me and chat with me, whether i am alone or with my friend l, so i know i have some kind of mystique to me. whether it is my quirkiness or my southern openness, i feel i am a lot more interesting than these pretentious snobs i have met here in LA.
i am just as smart as they are, but my position in society has never been very large. pretty much non existent. i want to make an impact before leaving this world.

i get esoteric messages a lot still. like the other day, i was reading the word jesus, and heard the same word at the same time. then a couple days later, i hear the word peace as i was looking at the word. it is amazing. it happens to me and i note it to myself. and i have asked the universe to please just come out and tell me what u are trying to say, and if i am a conduit, to please send me help with whatever it is i am supposed to accomplish. i need to make money, because i can no longer pay my bills, so i ask in faith to please send me financial blessings, father god, so i can move on with my life. i am ready to move on and help....thank u, amen....

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