got to church today. it was really packed inside, and i left before it was over. i can't stand to sit through these long sermons and singing. i am too senstive to everything. i told my friend that i wasn't going after all to this super bowl game she invite me to. i hate football, and i am tired of meeting a bunch of strangers i couldn't care less about. i have realized that accompanying my friend l to her family dinners during the holidays, and going other places she wants to go, is because she needs someone to hold her hand. i am tired of that. i am tired of helping people. she is way too needy for me. i am just saying. so i slept after getting home from church, and then went out to buy cat food and other stuff. i went to a store and tried on clothes, and nothing fit and i looked awful and old and middle aged. it is now caught up with me. getting old and saggy and ugly. gotta face up to the truth now. i buy clothes to disguise now rather than accentuate. when u get old, everything goes, it seems. i feel bad and irritable constantly. i hate life. i curse God to His face. I don't want to. It hurts me, but I am feel so helpless with rage. And, just as I was typing the word "curse", I heard the same word at the same time. It made my hair stand on end. like what kind of message is that? I am sorry I cursed u, God, I am losing it, Father. I am ready to go. I am watching the Hal Lindsey Report on Day Star Tv. A Christian Channel. Just to prove that he did say the word "curse" several times.
I was shaking my fist at God not just a few minutes ago, daring him to kill me on the spot. Spitting and cursing....I have such anger in me. It is time for my period now tomorrow, so I have to remember my crazy hormones that torment me every month too. I am so moody and sad and I explode in a tantrum every month before my period. Sometimes I feel I am about to burst a blood vessel and have a stroke. I get these piercing head aches sometimes that puts me down.
I just want peace and love and happiness in my life. So tired of being worried all the time. I have aged so much in the past 3 yrs. I see it daily now. I guess once ur skin gives up producing collagen, it just collapses like a tent. I hate looking in the mirror now. I was so beautiful and I made my living from being pretty. Odd, how I realize now I was pretty then. I had low self esteem back then as well. No matter how pretty u r, if u feel u don't matter, u are always chasing beauty to have some control over ur life. I never thought anyone loved me for me inside, but wanted to know me because of how i looked. i hate my family. none of them ever acted like they gave a shit about me. now i feel nothing for them. whatever. i'm over it.
i need to stop cursing God..it is my fault I am miserable. Forgive me Father? Thank u. I am so sad.