Sunday, February 5, 2012
clear air in LA..I could see the Hollywood sign and all of the Santa Monica Mountains so clear from my vantage point
i have conversations in my head.
i have found that i am an interesting person.
i am deep and appreciative of beauty.
i am a soul in a meat suit.
i navigate life's challenges like that eddie murphy movie. i forget the name. he is a teeny tiny alien that is inside the brain, working a giant robot of himself.
maybe i am too subjective, but when u live as a recluse, u have to reflect on urself. but i am beginning to see what a special person i am. maybe i am quiet and no one notices, but i know inside it is true. when i function in reality, i try and make life lessons to myself. i have no husband and not many true friends i can communicate how i am feeling. i am shy and get embarassed easy, because being the center of attention makes me blush and i stutter. people have asked me how i could be an erotic dancer for so long and be so shy. i tell them i am like michael jackson. he came alive onstage and projected his stage persona. i was two different people. sugar the dancer and tease, and sandi the shy woman, wishing to become more than she thought she could be. i have realized that it was me who held myself back. my low self esteem. i try not to blame myself, because i can't torture myself who the questions, coulda woulda shoulda...i have done it too many times to myself.
i have realized that humans continue to disappoint me, and to always be on guard and distrustful of them. i am a pretty open book to my friends, but once we are no longer my friends, i hear from others about how my ex friends talks trash about me behind my back and i feel a bit betrayed. what i had said to them about myself, they turned around and repeated with a sneer.
so many have found that i have become turtle~like and talk from behind my shell, or be prickly and irritable, don't touch me....like a porcupine. i find men repulsive, which is sad, because i would like companionship. but i would rather be alone than miserable in a dead end/ no where relationship. i have pretty much realized that i have never loved any of my bfs and i have to acknowledge and own my choices in life. alot of my choices that drove me was ultimately low self esteem from feeling un loved and unwanted. i have deep insight into myself. take that, dr ppk! u think i never work on myself!
i just want to comment about my day yesterday. my friend L invited me to go with her and her friend pam to see pam's brother's art showing at the gene autry museum in griffith park. i hadn't been there for about 20 yrs, and i love meeting artists, being a wanna be. so i forced myself to get ready and went with them. i have to force myself to go out these days. i feel sick a lot. run down and tired.
i thought the sky was so blue and clear that day. the santa ana winds had blown away all the smog. beautiful and warm day in the middle of february. typical LA weather. LA is so huge and over whelming and too crowded for me now. i can't bear driving in the traffic here anymore. i rode to the museum in pam's backseat, feeling slightly car sick. i am not a back seat person.
i wore my cowboy hat that i had bought at venice beach. i wanted to be all cow girl since i was going to a wester museum. once we got there and was strolling among the paintings and artists, i had several people tell me they liked it. ah shucks m'am ....
i wish i could be more social and keep up a conversation. i have problems with that. i just am not a talker. my friend L can chat with anyone. she is a talker. a magpie. i told her last night that she would have made a good stripper, because she is charming and a good talker and seems interested in what whoever it is she is chatting with has to say.
oh geeze, she just came by and invited me to a super bowl party. if i don't feel so horrible, i will go. just to force myself socially. that is it for me these days, i force myself. i endure it. being shy is painful and i don't wanna be there, but i end up enjoying parts of it. i feel too depressed and achy and feeling sick to enjoy the full experience. i had no idea that growing older would feel so bad. i ache every where and am so irritable and sensitive to everything. it is unbearable sometimes. i am a shrinking violet in la la land.