one more post for today~

wanna shout out to kurt cobain on what have been his 45th birthday today. he was bipolar as everyone knows, and joined the Dead Too Young club like Janis, Jimmy and Jim.  they all OD~ but he made sure when he blew his head off with a shot gun.

that is how painful depression is.

he had journals he wrote his lyrics in....such a kalidescope of images ~~he is my bipolar icon.

he took one of neil young's lyrics to heart. wrote it down in his journal
something about better to die young and burn out than to fade away....

still dead, kurt? love ur music, man...too bad u let humans drag u down. money, fame....

happy un birthday...mad hatter...

RIP.

i had an insight into maybe why he killed himself last night. he just couldn't stand the phony life of stardom. when u r an artist..u feel as if u have to stay true to urself and ur feelings. everyone starting emulating him. kurt brought in a new style of rock and fashion, and 

the pressure to keep up with it all must have been too much for him. 

heroin couldn't even kill his pain....

today is st paddys day..or was..now it is after 2am..i was too sick to get out of bed all day...got up at 930 pm.....i am feeling better, but it took a long while tonight...as aways my cat elvis cracks me up... all my friends say he is a star...so funny and cute...he looks at me and i talk to him and say, i know u can understand me...u r a funny kitty and stop being naughty! i can see how bright he is...

i know now that i am an intuitive person

i go back and read my posts, and i pretty much have decided that god helped me make my blog

i have had messages from cobain before...when i was on that crazy ride around la and i got lost trying to find the observatory, and he was singing on the radio i think, i can't remember exactly, but i asked for a sign and looked up a a billboard, saying this way or something...i am drug addled sometimes so i forget things, but it comes back...i was trying to find that juggler fool photo on my computer just now, because i have many many photos and in different files, and i slowed down and asked kurt where it was, and i was told where to go look....

and last night, i was really really sick and my friend had to come and help me cuz i was exhausted and ill and couldn't get out of bed...i told her to go and get me something healthy to eat and bring it back cuz i was too weak to go....after she brought it back, we had a big conversation, and my other ill friend came up and we talked about how we are all probably psychic or something....one friend said something about synchronicity...i told her to remember saying that. i can't remember what all i told them, but i was like a teacher or psychiatrist, telling them both to let go and let god help them, and to really believe it and punch out those bad thoughts ..i was saying cuz i'm irish see and i used my irish accent, and i bobbed around punching bad thoughts...i could see they were getting it. all of us have been through hell..

and then i showed them this painting i did compulsively years ago..i had this sudden urge to paint this back like in 99,  when i was going to art school. i painted it in one sitting and it is not the best in the world cuz i don't know how to properly paint, but i realized that it was the path i was supposed to be on....i thought i was painting a picture of me on a highway, waiting for the next man to pick me up, cuz being an erotic dancer and not knowing what i wanted in life, i drifted from man to man...

now i realize back then i was supposed to go through all this shit so i could work it all out myself with god's help.

and since i had this compulsion to send my secret diary of bipolar disorder to the world, i have begun to see spider webs weaving things, connecting me back to everything. i don't know why this has happened to me, but i guess when u r special u have to go with it....

and the other day when i got home from being out at the obama thing or wherever, i saw a little booklet that was left at the mailboxes in the lobby.  i picked it up cuz it had raspberries on it and recipes....i later looked at the title, and it said inner strength...i asked my friends if either had left that in the lobby and they said no...i told them,  well since i decided to tell the world i am insane, i had a compulsion to email michael douglas...i later told my friends that it is all tying together.....i have been so ill that when i realized that his wife is a dancer and bipolar i thought i would give her the booklet, cuz she has been having issues...i told u i already talk to famous people in my head, so i told my friends that either i am crazy, or a limo will show up to come take me away, and told them how later on i realized that his dad played WHO???????? AHHAHAHAHAHHAHA i swear this is all happening to me... i talk to celebrities as if they are there..

i was angry at whitney houston, cuz she was so talented and i didn't even watch her funeral...i was saying what is wrong with u? u were a christian and sang in church choirs, and then u just let urself od and not use ur talents to change the world???? she was upset with  me...she was moving up and onward....i could see her turn ...she was in a long white gown and goldenlight was all around her...i told her i was sorry.....

last night my friend told me that kevin costner at her funeral said she had LOW SELF ESTEEM , even though she was beautiful and talented and christian...see u can't judge anyone...everyone has their own issues....u have to work out ur own shit....i had big long talks with my friends....they and me are on our last nerve, and now i think that what is right is sorted out in our heads, we are happier....

those photos i kept posting about the man coming from the egg,.....i looked later at the vid on why i can't be me disorder, and there it was! i have been too ill to formulate and plan this blog...

i tell my friends that when i am creative, it is like a robot...beep boob beep......i take this here and add here, etc.....i don't think about it........

u people draw ur own conclusions, but i sure do get paranoid, thinking i gotta get me and my friends out of here...i told them last night that we need to burn sage and say blessings..this place isn't right...i don't know what it was built on, but mental illness lives here.....

my friend said what, there is an indian burial ground here? i said i don't know but where we live is an indian path to downtown la even before there was an la...and it was then a trade route.........!!!!!!!

i realize all this as i go along.....wow.

even though i was sick in bed all day and wanted to go out but couldn't, i had my green shirt on...

happy st paddys...xx sugar

oh gotta say something else...

my friend e came up to see me before going out today, and she had on a maui sweatshirt..

i told her to remember that and what i am saying to her.. she is ill and can't remember sometimes....she is so out of it...she is better today though...she got stuff done that was stressing her out..

i never been to maui and really don't know where it is...my friend said it is wonderful there and the people are nice and she feels better when she is there.....

all i know is i saw a recent photo taken in maui that i thought looked like a heavenly place to be....

and another thing... i was telling my friend about the book prozac nation, and how i think i had gone through more than that girl had, and she had gone to harvard as a young girl, she was so smart....

i swear i haven't read that book in years and it was lying on the floor with dust on it and i picked it up as i was talking to me friend, and i opened it up, and the FIRST WORD i see is NIRVANA...

i closed the book and knew i was getting a signal..i told my friend to open the book and look at the first word she sees......she looks confused and says what? i say just look read the first word u see...

FOOL....

i was thinking of that photo i had posted next to kurt's photo...that is a juggler fool....

a play thing to entertain......dear god this really is happening...

please, don't delete this blog, big brother, and my important friends, come and get me and my friends out of here.....!!!!!! if this does go viral, i feel like living in macchu picchu or fort knox...i can't be here if it goes viral..........but it is a compulsion i have to complete.

bipolars are like that...

if this is real it will happen

if not...

i am like dali lama now.....

yeah i am enlightened.....

now what?????

hahhahaha

follow the wings and see what i mean.......unbelievable......god works in mysterious ways, my friends!!!