so as i washed my sins down the drain, and asked THE Heavenly Father to wash me in white golden light of Angel protection, i told him that it has to be now. it is time for him to send my husband to me. God says, ask in my Son's Name, and u will receive. FAITH. it is so hard when i get low. i have hit rock bottom. they gave up on me at the mental health clinic after 20 yrs, and let me go. i hated going there anyway. i hate being around sick in the head people. i feel like i am intellectually their superiors, and my doc was always pushing me to hang out there. even volunteer and teach an art class. i tell him i hate humans, i don't like hanging out with these losers....just saying what i told him. i don't really think they are losers. i just don't want to be reminded of being ill myself. i find it very humilating to be thought of as mentally ill. i am gonna stop telling people from now on. i had to pretend i was ok and normal when i was working, so i have to do it all the time. i just have to either suffer in silence as i have been doing.......or go big..i don't know. i just am gonna try and heal myself and not let my self hatred take over. it is hard. it is a really hard thing to do. i have to remember i grew up in a family that never showed affection. my mother never said i love u, or gave me a hug. and daddy died in a tragic accident in our basement. i can't always blame myself for my non movement. i am stuck in amber now and trying to fry myself.....one foot in the grave. i know if i come back and get healthy again and become successful and get married to the love of my life, it will be because I asked GOD to help me.
i have to believe as i annoint myself. saying positive affirmations of prosperity and joy and love.....i am ready to get well now! valentine's day this year, Lord? Good one. Leap year. Makes a statement. I get messages all the time from God. I follow the clues and I am clever and grateful and happy to be in on the inner workings of the Cosmic Engineer. I saw Dan Ackroyd call God that at John Candy's memorial. That is so true. I like my little messages, and I really can't prove they happen except to say they happen and date and time stamp. I continue being Bi polar Angel of LA~~i am not ashamed. if so called normal people read this and feel empathy, kudos. If not, I feel pity for u, because u don't know God. Maybe because i am artistic and special and sensitive, i feel it more. but now it is time to get well sandi, and wake from this nightmare. Life is for living, and not this what i have been going through. i have to WILL myself to get well and functioning again.........
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