i was thinking today about all these so called friends i've had in my life and how i kept being their friend or lover because i chose to look at them through my rose colored glasses. literally and figurativly. i have a pair of nerdly looking glasses i wear that make me look studious. i like being a brainy blonde. i had the lenses dyed rose pink. i wore them like that a long time. i have delicate eyes, and the sun hurts them. but everyone would ask me if i was looking at the world through rose colored glasses. yeah, now i realize i was. i wanted to believe there was good to someone, and liked or loved them for qualities i imagined they had, only to realize later that they were big liars and i chose to ignore my instinct to leave them and run far away from them. now with age and pain and sorrow, i am getting wiser. i am very wary now of people, which is sad. i will just keep it to myself. i have many terse, mean things to say to people who annoy me, because i am very irritable from hormones and withdrawal of anti depressants and crashing depression. so every day i swim through tears and get hard on the outside. bite back my words. i don't like anyone when i am like this, and feel provoked easily. i get angry easy and have to fight with myself to acknowledge my age and my changing looks and limitations of my body. i have actually been exercising more, because i am stiffening up and my hips hurt a lot from sitting at my computer for hours on end. but yeah i am touchy and trying to heal myself naturally. i have to remind myself to be positive and not give in the moods and blinding fears of growing old alone with no money. can't tell u how fear filled my days and nights are when it comes to that.
i have decided i am one of a kind. i have been wrestling with my identity for many years and have been very depressed. being alone for years by choice, because i had to have a break from men and their drama and back stabbing. i have told God to please send me a wonderful, artistic, handsome, financially secure, faithful and sexy man that will come into my life and look after me and help me to be creative. i need some emotional support more than anything. so called "friends" i have met online have proven to me what they are really are like. i have taken off the rose colored glasses now and i see them as they really are. not my friend. just playing with me. sorry, but i am not a internet flirt. i am for real and down to earth. i am gaia. i am grounded......i need to take a break and go to yosemite or somewhere beautiful like that to get some soul healing and direction from God.
i give up sometimes, thinking i am delusional, but then it happens again. i came online to make a new post, and as saw the word artist from my last posting, i hear someone on tv say the exact same word..this happens to me a lot, and i don't know why. i think sometimes about deleting all my social accts, but then i would miss my little messages. i just heard as i typed this someone say on a commercial that "it was meant to be heard". any little message i try and put it down. i don't what it means. i am just too sensitive.
i saw a sign the other day that said, love is like a wild rose. it is calm, beautiful and serene, but can draw blood.
it can mean more than one thing, but for now, if i choose to see it as meaning that if i only see the imagined good of the rose and ignore the thorns, it will keep happening. i have several different thoughts on that. sorting the wheat from the chaff..etc....or i can let one or a few bad apples spoil the whole barrel for me. be real. be now. don't believe the bull shit, but just be real and don't take less from others. down to earth, artistic, good humored and honest and good people will be drawn to me from now on.....i ask for help and love and creativity and artists and ideals to rain happiness on me...prosperity, joy, and peace of mind. happy happy joy joy joy!!!!!!